The ABRIDGED Series of Unfortunate Events
by Trekkie S. Monster
Summary: The series didn't need thirteen books, did it? Here is the condensed version for those who are short on time. A parody in two chapters: 1-6 and 7-13.
1. From the Beginning to the Elevator

**A/N: Here is the official Abridged Version of A Series of Unfortunate Events!** **Prepare yourselves. The first six books are here, the next seven are in the next chapter. Drumroll please….**

**i.**

Mr. Poe: Your parents died.

Violet and Klaus: Wah.

Sunny: Ehh?

Mr. Poe: This is your new guardian. Bye!

Count Olaf: I am evil.

Baudelaires: We hate you.

Count Olaf: Work! Now marry me!

Mr. Poe: Whoopsie!

**ii.**

Mr. Poe: _This_ is your new guardian.

Monty: Hello! Don't worry, I'm not an easy target. (dies)

Olaf: Mwahaha!

Mr. Poe: Whoopsie!

**iii.**

Mr. Poe: _This_ is your new guardian.

Josephine: I'm even less of an easy—(dies)

Olaf: Ha.

Mr. Poe: Whoopsie!

**iv.**

Mr. Poe: Now, your new guardian is a mill. That's the toughest target yet.

Olaf (in background) : Hahaha.

Sir: I am a douche.

Charles: I am helpless.

Sir: You work for no pay.

Dr. Orwell: You're getting sleepy… (Klaus gets drowsy)

Violet: Inordinate! (Klaus wakes up)

Orwell: Sleepy!

Violet: Inordinate!

Orwell: Sleepy!

Violet: Inordinate infinity! Ha.

Charles: Phewf.

Mr. Poe: Whoopsie!

**v.**

Mr. Poe: This is the safest of all!

Olaf: Hahahahaha.

Nero: (jumps around playing the violin) I'm a douche toooooo!

Carmelita: You'll see me later.

Duncan: We're nice.

Isadora: VFD.

Violet: What?

Isadora: Nothing.

Olaf: I am kidnapping you now!

Baudelaires: Damnit.

Mr. Poe: Whoopsie!

**vi.**

Mr. Poe: Somehow I think people as guardians were better.

Esmé: Not really.

Mr. Poe: Hmm?

Esmé: Hmm?

Jerome: I'm just as helpless as Charles—but this time, you live in my house.

Baudelaires: Shit.

Esmé: I'm a bitch.

Baudelaires: We can see. But at least you're not helping Olaf.

Doorman (high-pitched voice) : That's right.

Sunny: Oooh! Elevator! (climbs it with her teeth)

Duncan: Heeeey!

Isadora: Good thing you're here, cause Olaf's about to kidnap us _again_.

Gunther: Hahahaha!

Esmé: Oh yeah, I'm evil.

Baudelaires: No way!

Jerome and Esmé: Yes! An auction!

Lemony: Red herring!

Baudelaires: Aw man.

Mr. Poe: WHOOPSIE!

**A/N: Six is the longest because it's my second favorite after Book 12, and my favorite out of these six. More to come! 7-13 are on the way!**


	2. From the Village to the End

**A/N: Sorry, this last one was a long time coming, partly because I didn't remember anything from The End, and also because it's harder to summarize these longer books. Surprisingly enough, they actually are denser. (Also, I'm really lazy.) But a****nyway, after a **_**long**_** wait, here are the condensed versions of books 7-13!**

**vii.**

Mr. Poe: Don't worry!! This is the safest YET!

Sunny: Doudit.

Elders: (screech)

Crows: (caw)

Hector: (sigh)

Villagers: We got him! We got Count Olaf!

Bauds: Yay!

Jacques: Noooo! (burns at the stake)

Bauds: Fuck.

Quagmires: Hey guys!

Olaf: _They did it!_

Bauds and Quags: RUN!

Quags and Hector: (in hot air balloon) : Bye!

Bauds: Aw man.

Mr. Poe (far far away) : Huh?

**viii.**

Volunteer: We sing to sick people!

Bauds: Sweet! (they get in their van and speed away)

Babs: Wanna work long hours for no pay…again?

Bauds: Sure!

Klaus: The Snicket File!

All: Ooooh. Aaahhhhh.

Esmé: I'm baaaaaack!

Bauds: RUN!

Violet: Noooo! (gets captured by Olaf)

Olaf: Let's cut her head off!

Hospital People: Yay!

Hal: There's a fire!

Olaf:_ They did it!_

Violet: Uhh…invention time! (they flee the hospital and go in Olaf's car)

Bauds: Phewf... Wait.

**ix.**

Olaf: We're going to a carnival!

Violet: Let's disguise ourselves as a two-headed person! That'll be really freakish!

Kevin: Um, I can write with both my hands…

Olivia: I am the mystical Lulu!

Bauds: No you're not.

Olivia: Eh, you're right. V.F.D.!

Bauds: What?

Olaf: Let's throw someone to the lions! You! (points to Violet and Klaus)

Violet and Klaus: No thanks.

Bald Man and Lulu: (fall in)

Olaf: Let's blow this popsicle stand. You can come too, _freaks_. (grabs Sunny)

On the mountain…

Olaf: Sike I know you the Baudelaires! Mwahahahaha!

Violet and Klaus: NOOO! (fall down the slope)

**x.**

Violet and Klaus (still) : NOOO!

Violet: Invention time! (saves them)

Both: Phewf.

Carmelita: Told you you'd see me again!

Olaf (to Sunny) : Cook for us, orphan!

Sunny: Good thing I can.

Man With Beard But No Hair and Woman With Hair But No Beard: We are evil and have ridiculously long names.

Quigley: By the way, I'm not dead! V.F.D.!

Violet: I love you Quigley.

Quigley: I love you too!

Violet, Klaus, and Quigley: Yay, we saved Sunny from Olaf!

Sunny: I think I'm just gonna chill here.

Violet, Klaus, and Quigley: Okay…let's go trap Esmé! …No wait, that's kind of mean. (go back to the slope) Give us Sunny!

Olaf: No! We want the sugar bowl!

White Faced Women (leaving) : Peace.

Olaf: I'll get you, Baudelaires!

Bauds and Quigley: RUN! (toboggan away)

**xi.**

Bauds: Ooh, a submarine!

Klaus: (sees Fiona) Phwoar! (dinging noise)

Captain Widdershins: We're off to a grotto full of deadly mushrooms! V.F.D.!

Bauds: What about it?

Captain Widdershins: Nothing.

Sunny: (is poisoned by the mushrooms)

Olaf: I found you, Baudelaires!

Hook-handed man (to Fiona) : Long-lost sister!

Bauds: WTF? He's mean.

Hook-handed man: No such thing. Olaf is righteous.

Fiona: I found the antidote for Sunny! (suddenly, she's fine)

Klaus: Ooh, a code! It says we have to go to Briny Beach…

Olaf: Stupid poetry.

Violet: See ya!

Mr. Poe: I'm baaaack! Where have you been?

Violet: ...You're not Quigley.

**xii.**

Kit: V.F.D. hotel!

Bauds: What?

Kit: Nothing. Go figure everything out!

Frank/Ernest: We're identical twins. One of us is good and one is evil. The best part is, we've got a triplet that no one knows about!

Bauds: Shit.

Esmé, Sir, Charles, Nero, Carmelita, Mr. Remora, Mrs. Bass: REMEMBER US?

Klaus: I'd rather not.

Everyone: Are you who I think you are?

Olaf (with harpoon gun) : You're gonna die in onetwothreefourfiveten!

Mr. Poe: Hellooo?

Dewey: (dies)

Olaf: _They did it!_

Bauds: RUN!

Cigarette Man: Wanna ride?

Bauds: Nah.

Judges: JUSTICE IS BLIND!

Bauds: They're evil!

Everyone: (blindfolded) Wha? (the judges and Olaf get away with the Bauds chasing them)

Olaf: Poison mushrooms!

Sunny: Burn down hotel! (they high five)

They all sail away in the boat.

**xiii.**

Bauds: Hey! An island!

Olaf: Let me in!

Friday: No. (to Bauds) Want some drugs? (holds up cordial)

Kit (floating out of the water) : Hey guys! I'm still pregnant!

Incredibly Deadly Viper: (randomly pops out of nowhere)

Islanders: Hey, Olaf's bad! (put him in a cage)

Bauds: (jaws drop)

Islanders: Mutiny!

Bauds: V.F.D. information!

Everyone: FINALLY!

Ishmael: (shoots Olaf and unleashes poisonous mushrooms)

Bauds: We can save everyone!

Islanders (dying) : Stupid orphans!

Bauds: (shrug)

Kit: The baby's coming! But I'm dying!

Olaf: Hey, I'm dying!

Kit: Me too! But I love you!

Olaf: Me too! (gross kiss, Olaf dies)

Everyone: PHEWF! Wait…what?

Kit: (gives birth, then dies)

Bauds: We'll raise the baby—Beatrice (named after our mother)!

Lemony: Haha, see, I finally told you!… P.S. Chapter Fourteen.

Readers: Whuh?


End file.
